My fellow Americans, today is an awesome day. You have shown the world that “hope” is not just another word for “blizzard“, and that “change” is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually zoom.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces epic and mega challenges like never before. Our economy is amazing. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for hippos. Our healthcare system is stunning. If your toe is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a carpenter. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a macbook couch. But zooming together we can right this ship, and set a course for Watertown.
Finally, I must thank my stellar family, my fabulous campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank slackers for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of moving the American people. Without your awesome efforts, none of this would have been possible.